Friend attraction at first sight – is it real?

Have you met someone and suddenly felt an amazing friend connection with them? Here’s my theory about what this sparkly attraction says about you!

There’s a lot of talk about love at first sight with romantic partners—which is, of course, endlessly promoted through fairy tales and perpetuated through social rituals. Or, this attraction is dramatized in popular fiction and crooned about in many songs. Although there’s no real declarative evidence that romantic “chemistry” is based in science–even though there is speculation that this affinity may relate to scent, facial symmetry or visual familiarity.

A dear friend told me that he saw a woman across a crowded restaurant and he was smitten—forget that he was on a blind date with another woman. He talked briefly to this new flame, and now they’ve been married for twenty-five years.

Have you seen any research or media tropes about instant friend attraction? Once I went from one-to-ten in an engaging conversation with a potential friend while we were both waiting for a lecture to start. Does that count? And this exchange changed both our lives. We continue to be today albeit many miles and decades later.

In my book Better You Better Friends: A Whole New Approach to Friendship, I talk to an evolutionary psychologist who theorized that you’re more likely to be attracted to people who look like you. Having either your same attraction “level” or a similar intellectual level. It’s possible that you feel more familiar with these new strangers; someone who resembles people in your tribe.

With the friend I met before the lecture, I’d say we were attracted to each other at that moment in time because we were both young and saw a sense of adventure in each other—something we were both seeking in our lives.

You may have been attracted to someone who looks or acts different to you. This person has the potential to fulfill a personal desire, something you’re been seeking in your own future. Offering you a whole new perspective on life.

I believe that instant attraction is quite likely triggered by a deeper, unrecognized need within you—you want to belong or we seek adventure. Less about the other person and more about fulfilling your own needs at that time. You could be attracted to an older, wiser-type person if you’re seeking comfort and guidance? Or, you may seek younger friends that offer you a more flexible, open minded approach to life. Or, you could meet someone who offers you a whole new world perspective, someone from a very different background to your own. A background you wanted to escape.

After that first spark you have to, of course, assess their character, reliability or support. Yet that instant attraction may be a “sign” that shows you what you’re secretly seeking in your own life. An inexplicable and undiscovered need that you didn’t know you wanted. And that’s why you call it “chemistry,” an indescribable attraction that promotes a little bit of a fairytale-ness to it—a new beginning, an open door.

That’s why friendships are so important, it’s a way to recognize those experiences that help you become more aware of your untapped potential.

And remember, a great friend starts with you.

• Is there such a thing as friend attraction at first “sight”?
• How does it differ from your romantic interests?
• Have you been instantly attracted to someone you’ve just met?
• Do you believe this attraction be sustained?
• What does this connection at first sight say about you?

Glenda D Shaw, author of new book, Better You Better Friends: A Whole New Approach to Friendship, which will be released by Rowman and Littlefield September 2021. Go to www.betteryoubetterfriends.com for more news and information about the book and other friendship resources.

A special thank you and shout out to Joel Muniz for his fantastic photograph for this post.